HSP Top Tips for embracing the Magic and surviving the Mayhem of Christmas

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Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Having been overwhelmed over the past few weeks with illness (mine and other people’s) stress (mine and other people’s!) and a growing feeling of ‘busy’ – (hence the silence on the blog front),  I have been thinking a lot about Overwhelm and that all too familiar feeling for an HSP of ‘Too Much’!  This isn’t strictly a post about my journey as an introvert HSP, but it is a post about a very specific time of of year that offers way too much ‘too much’!!.

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Photo by Daniil Silantev on Unsplash

Let’s face it, unless you completely shut yourself away and hibernate (and there are many times I wish I was a hibernating mammal!!) you will be exposed to ‘Too Much’ of pretty much everything in the run up to our festive season!  Everywhere is busy, everywhere is bright and loud, people are ‘heightening the happy’ to entice you to buy stuff, to eat stuff, to participate at school christmas fairs, to shout, cheer and boo at the panto, and to make your house look ‘merry and bright’  – all of which just fills our bucket so quickly.  ‘Tis also a season for ‘getting together’ with EVERYONE, so the pressure to socialise is enormous, added to which there are fewer places to retreat for peace and calm, so for introverts, and especially HSP introverts it can be particularly difficult.

But this is where it gets so confusing, right? Because most of the things I’ve talked about above are what give the magic to Christmas, it’s not all bad, so why do we still feel so drained?  Here’s the thing.  Overwhelm can as much come from too much of a good thing, as it can from the not so great stuff.  Christmas time for me is a time full of mayhem, and too much social stuff, yes, but it is also full of absolute magic, and both the magic and the mayhem can play havoc with us HSPs if we are not careful.

So, without further ado – how do we ensure that we survive the mayhem and enjoy as much of the magic as possible, without tumbling into such severe over-stimulation that we crash and burn before the Big Day?  For me, the key thing is to get through the season mindfully.

  • Be very mindful of Boundaries.  Be clear with yourself that if you go to everything you are invited to, and spend every day at the Christmas Market, you WILL get overwhelmed.  Don’t be pressured into attending every christmas party, or every christmas drink, even when people call you a party-pooper!! Make it an active policy to say ‘No’ to some things. I try to limit the number of social engagements in a week to no more than 2 or 3, especially if they with more than just a few people. This may even include declining an invite to something ordinarily you would enjoy, you just need to acknowledge the cumulative effect.  I also follow Elaine Aron’s advice to avoid any explanations about why I’m not going along, it is enough to politely decline, and to just say it doesn’t work for you.  If you do go to lots of things, make it a conscious choice to do so, and make conscious plans for ‘down-time’ to empty your bucket
  • Be mindful about who you spend time with and be proactive:  if there are people you want/need to see, suggest dates, times and places so you can choose quieter venues and times.  So have a morning coffee rather than lunch or dinner, and choose the little tea shop tucked away from the main street, rather than the big-chain coffee shop in midst of all the hustle and bustle.
  • Be Mindful about the timing of when you go to places: Christmas markets, department stores, garden centres, Santa’s Grottos, high streets with Christmas lights, are all really magical places to visit at Christmas, and I love browsing round them and soaking up the beauty and sparkle, but they are also places I quickly become overstimulated.  So I NEVER go at weekends and seek out the quiet times.  I choose to visit them either early in the morning, or later in the afternoon when the crowds are fewer. I always consciously time-limit myself. I always ensure that I have identified a quiet corner/escape route so if it gets too much I don’t have to waste time working out where I need to go to recharge, I just follow my recovery plan!
  • Be Mindful with the magic! Too much of a good thing can be just as overwhelming and there are numerous magical things going on over christmas to tempt you.  But remember that we don’t have to ‘participate’ directly in everything to feel the magic – one of the wonderful things about the HSP brain is that your imagination and capacity for joy in even the smallest of beautiful things allows you to fully experience the magic and the joy in more subtle and less draining ways: by watching your favourite festive film, a walk in nature on a frosty morning, listening to carols or your favourite christmas songs, getting stuck into some christmas crafts,  planning a fairytale christmas eve for little ones, snuggling in front of the fire with a hot chocolate and spending quality time with loved ones.  Do these things mindfully, really letting your appreciation, gratitude and joy soak in, and you will experience the magic without the drain and overwhelm of being ‘out there’ with the crowds.
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Photo by Mira Bozhko on Unsplash

Try these tips over the coming week and see if they allow you to relish the magic and minimise the impact of the mayhem – let me know how you get on, and share any hints and tips of your own!

In the meantime – MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

 

The No.1 Lesson I have learnt about being a Highly Sensitive Parent (that I wish I’d known 10 years ago!)

 

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Photo by Liane Metzler on Unsplash

When I became a parent I didn’t know about the trait of High Sensitivity. I certainly didn’t know that I was a Highly Sensitive Person. But I wish that I had known because it would have changed my experience as a parent.  It would have explained and validated all those ‘gut feelings’ I had about things, and why I seemed to find being a mum so much more difficult than all the other new mum’s around me.

During the first 6 months after my child (who is a HSC) was born, my Health Visitor was convinced I was suffering from Post Natal Depression, because I was so ‘flat’.  I knew I wasn’t depressed, I just felt permanently and utterly exhausted, both physically (mainly from lack of sleep), and so very much emotionally.  The first year or two for me is a haze of complete exhaustion and total overwhelm – emotionally, physically and mentally. This only got worse when I went back to work to a job that was in itself emotionally and psychologically demanding.  I was in a constant state of feeling that I was running on empty and felt totally burnt-out.   Consequently I was irritable to be around, and I felt I had nothing left in my tank when I got home from work for my family, or to give to my job.

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Photo by Oscar Keys on Unsplash

I gradually came to realise that lack of ‘down time’ together with the constant worry and guilt about whether I was getting it ‘right’ as a parent and the perpetual blaming of myself for the fact that I just seemed to be finding it so much more difficult than other people (and therefore that there must be something wrong with me!), were the main issues. But I still couldn’t understand why this was. Then, 5 years on,  I read Elaine Aron’s Highly Sensitive Child book, which lead to me reading her book The Highly Sensitive Person, and everything suddenly made sense.  From there-on, things got a little easier, because I understood myself better.

It has still taken me some time, though, to really get to the root of what it was I really needed all those years ago, and what I continue to need.

By far the biggest lesson I have learned is Self Acceptance.

Accepting that I am Highly Sensitive means that I can not only understand and appreciate how parenting is likely to lead to over-stimulation, intense feelings & emotions (and, resulting from all of this, irritability and short-temper more often than I’d like to admit), but also it enables me to openly recognise and acknowledge where these feelings and emotions come from. It gives me permission to stop blaming myself for how I’m feeling.  It also enables me to put in place appropriate prevention and coping strategies.  Moreover, I can now see the great advantages my sensitivity has to my parenting.

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Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

It’s still a work in progress, and there is some way to go, but having this Self-Acceptance gave me the courage (with the support of my husband who thankfully ‘gets it’) to leave a job in a career that just wasn’t working for me when I had the additional demands of a young child, and which meant it no longer worked for us as a family.  This has not been without is sacrifices, but I believe it has created a path that will lead to a better ending.  Self-Acceptance has given me more confidence to set realistic boundaries for myself, saying ‘No’ more often to ‘non-essential’ demands on my time, and to say ‘Yes’ more often to things that re-charge and replenish me.  It allows me to feel OK about seeking total silence sometimes (many people find it odd that I rarely put the radio or music on in the car) and it has prompted me to be more open to asking for help, because I know I need to, even though it doesn’t come naturally.

I am also just beginning to appreciate that my High Sensitivity is what allows me, among other things,  to connect deeply with my HSC; to be able to recognise when things are not ‘right’, when others may miss the signs; to share imaginary worlds through books; to have deep conversations and to instil in my HSC the wonder and importance of nature as I share my love and appreciation of its beauty and fragility.

As I continue on my journey of discovery I’d love to hear your stories too, so please get in touch!

 

Quiet Revolution: Time to Start Making Some Noise?

Normally when I think of feathers, I conjure up images like these….

Photo by Ray Hennessy and Photo by Jenelle Ball  both on Unsplash

Spitting Feathers…

But this week I was thrown into complete apoplexy and I was “spitting feathers” when I turned to the pages about personality in my recently purchased book “How to be Human. The Ultimate Guide to Your Amazing Existence”.   The book is a New Scientist book,  a popular science forum, so I wasn’t expecting detailed coverage of the finer nuances of personality theory.  I also had no expectation whatsoever of any reference at all to the Highly Sensitive Person (though it would have been nice).  But I was expecting something that was objective and largely evidence based.

I can only describe what I read as the worst form of stereotyping, bordering on parody, that I have seen on the subject for a long time and I needed to refer to my thesaurus of emotions to fully comprehend my visceral reaction to what I read.  If you want to look at the book it’s on page 18, but I replicate below the key features:

Extrovert  Introvert
Cheerful and radiate joy Seldom amused
At home in crowds and parties Loners
Friendly and Open Reserved
Always busy Happy to take things easy
Natural Leaders Followers
Lovers of Excitement Overawed by commotion

Added to which were some simple pictures to further illustrate the differences…(Extrovert: super smiley face, party popper, man conquering mountain, all in a bright, happy yellow…..Introvert: slightly concerned looking/mildly miserable looking face, lone man reading, lone man under a tree, all in a dark, slightly gloomy purple).

bull-46368_640Well, it my HS brain launched into full-on emotional response, I mean COME-ON New Scientist, I thought you were better than that?!  So my week has been spent constructing various responses to share through the appropriate channels in due course, starting here with the personal bit.

Words Really Do Matter

The strand of spaghetti that has come loose this week has been all about the negative language that so naturally seems to attach itself to the words “Introvert” and “Highly Sensitive” and which seem to paint the picture that all introverts and HSPs are either too much hard work (‘too’ sensitive, quiet, emotional, weepy, fussy, reserved) or just not that great to be around (humourless, loners, dull and boring).

Language is such an important part of how we gain an understanding of who we are and how we ‘fit’ into the bigger picture, and sadly this conceptualisation of  Introverts is ridiculously common, even though it’s not a true reflection of us at all (although I think sometimes we come to start believing it just because it’s said so often, that we begin to think surely it must be true?).  And anyone who’s an HSP will know that it’s even worse for the sensitive among us.  (If you haven’t seen the TED talk from Elena Herdieckerhoff  The Gentle Power of HSPs take a look, it sums up the issue beautifully).

So as a Highly Sensitive Introvert I have grown up constantly rubbing up against other people’s focus on the negative aspects of both traits, with little affirmation of the positive ones, and blimey that’s hard – especially when all that brain-spaghetti is reflecting, interpreting, ruminating, about this constant, sometimes subtle (more often as subtle as being whacked on the  head with a mallet like those ‘whack-a-mole’ games), feedback that how we are is somehow ‘wrong’.  But because we’re introverts, we don’t talk about it. And if you’re HSP as well, you are acutely aware of just how different people perceive you to be, so we don’t want to draw attention to it, so we don’t mention it.  We therefore remain un-blissfully unaware that actually there are quite a few other people who are feeling the same, even people we know, but who are also pretending that they’re not.

The ‘Story’ of Temperament

I recently watched a TED talk by Barry Schwartz called “The way we think about the world of work is broken”.  He argues it’s broken because so many of the systems used don’t actually sit very well with how human’s actually operate.  It drew many parallels for me with where we have ended up in terms of our skewed society, which is very one dimensional in terms of what we overtly value in a person.  It’s all about the stories that we make up.

The concept of Story is a big one (and I can feel a dedicated blog on this in the ether), but for now suffice to say that human nature is such that ‘story’ is a massive part of how we operate.  It’s how we create certainty in an uncertain world, and our brains like certainty.  The problem is that we create this certainty even if it’s not true (and this is a core part of any therapy – getting the root of false stories and changing it to better reflect the objective reality).

Schwartz highlights the issue of story for work and organisations, which is that unlike the technology of ‘things’ whereby if technology, or the design of something is bad, it ‘dies’.  With ideas, he argues,  they can perpetuate even if they’re not true.  He says “false ideas about human beings will not go away if people believe they are true”, because if people believe they are true they construct systems around them that are consistent with this idea.  And because we are a highly adaptive species, we mould ourselves to fit, whether or not it’s good for us (us being ‘us’ as individuals, and also ‘us’ as a collective species).

For me this is precisely what has happened with temperament (and if you go along with Susan Cain’s argument in her book ‘Quiet’ it stems from the same place as much of what is wrong with modern workplaces too – i.e. Industrialisation).  Inadvertently, as the discipline of psychology has evolved, and the study of personality alongside it, there has been a merging of this industrialisation ‘story’ that the gregarious, outgoing, alpha male extrovert is the ‘ideal’ with the ‘story’ of abnormal psychology that the optimistic, ‘happy’, easy-going, talkative ‘extrovert’ (as opposed to the morose, solitary, fearful, depressive ‘not extrovert’) is the healthy, well adjusted place to be, to create a modern world story that to be well adjusted, you need to be an extrovert.  Over time, the constructs and taxonomies that have been used to understand our natures have simply resulted in self-serving and reinforcing those views, even though they are not really true, because everything is ‘framed” in an extrovert context.  The evolution of The Big 5 personality taxonomy, which has become the ‘go to’ framework for personality theorists since the 1970s, has perpetuated this ‘myth’ about introversion, because rather than being seen as a different underlying trait from extroversion, it has been used as a means of describing the ‘opposite’ of extroversion, the ‘low-scoring’ end of the Extroversion-Introversion continuum.

The same is true of High Sensitivity.  For decades having a more sensitive disposition was seen as a ‘vulnerability’, making you far more likely to ‘suffer’ mental ill-health and related social problems. Consequently therapies and other social ‘interventions’ were constructed on that basis.  And of course this created the story that if you have a highly sensitive nature you are inherently more fragile and ‘flaky’.

These perceptions are in significant part the result of the extrovert paradigm within which researchers were (and still are) operating, which contributed to the creation of labels such as ‘shy’, ‘fearful’ ‘hesitant’ ‘reserved’, ‘hyper-sensitive’, ‘anti-social’, ‘slow to warm-up’ ‘timid’ – all of which can be true of introverts and HSPs,  but which are not necessarily true, and which are certainly not the only defining features of being introvert or HSP, (and which some extroverts experience too, sometimes).  But when children are labelled in this way, they grow-up believing this to be true, because this is how the world talks about them and interacts with them. And so the story survives.

The Key of Neurosciencebrain-2773466_640

Neuroscience will be the key to helping us change these deeply embedded perceptions as it will give us a new language.  We already are able to demonstrate what HSPs and Introverts already intuitively know, which is that we are just wired differently.   And this different wiring simply means that we interact differently with the world around us and we think differently.  We also now know that being Highly Sensitive can be a disadvantage, but ONLY where the person has received poor parenting during childhood.  With the right conditions, being Highly Sensitive is actually a positive advantage – supporting the development of greater resilience and better outcomes in life (look out for future blog post on Orchids and Dandelions).

Time to start making some noise?

The world of personality psychology seems to be being slow to catch on though.  Since Susan Cain’s book and TED talk, which have been read and watched by millions of people, and which saw the ‘launch’ of the Quiet Revolution (which has, there is no doubt, lead to greater open debate, more writing on the subject, and the beginnings of change in workplaces), I have not noticed a commensurate change in the way in which personality research is framed or interpreted.  The Big 5 remains the mainstay and in its’ present usage does not allow for a way of viewing personality and temperament that accommodates these more recent findings.  It’s time for a step-change in the wider scientific community on the subject of understanding temperament in order that the language used to frame and interpret temperament is better reflective of the whole range of characteristics associate with a trait, not just a select few.  It’s time to start making some noise so those scientists start hearing!

How has language affected you? Do you think it’s time to shout louder? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

 

 

 

A Head Full of Spaghetti – (My Highly Sensitive Brain)

spaghetti-2619327_1280My head is full of spaghetti – pretty much all of the time.

A head full of spaghetti is all about the feeling that you have a super busy brain, whirring away, constantly trying to make sense of things, reflecting on things, finding connections between things, thinking (deeply) about things, and trying to navigate through the complex tangle of thoughts and feelings that crop up throughout the day as we go about our business.

It was not until quite recently  (embarrassingly late in life) that I realised that this was not true of everyone.  In fact, it’s not true of most people.

Whilst it is true that most people will experience this spaghetti feeling sometimes, perhaps when they are uncharacteristically busy, or they’ve had an unusual amount of emotional ‘stuff’ going on (and often in the middle of the night),  for some of us this is what it is like ALL THE TIME.  And it doesn’t even have to be in response to anything particularly unusual or extreme, although this creates an even bigger tangle, it is simply how our brains operate. All day. Every day.

People like me have Highly Sensitive brains.  We are wired to notice more subtlety in our environments and to process that information more deeply.  We are likened to human antennae, picking up on, and reacting to the subtle signs that others miss.

It was Dr. Elaine Aron who identified that about 20% of us experience the world in this more attuned way, and she uses the term the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) to describe someone who displays the characteristics (more on this in a dedicated post).

Oh, and I am also an Introvert.

This blog is all about life as an introvert and a highly sensitive person, and the journey to understanding, self-acceptance and beyond. It is about what it means to be HSP and introvert. It is about how to be authentic and thrive, with a head full of spaghetti!

 

 

 

Introvert and Highly Sensitive

flower-179004_640I have always been fascinated by psychology and in particular personality, and what makes people react differently to situations, events, each other.  This deep interest has perhaps been born out of my acute awareness as a child that I was different from most of my friends.  I was a quiet, sensitive and perhaps slightly serious child, and as an adult I became aware that these were words often associated with being an introvert (and this is often not seen as a positive thing).  But whilst that resonated with me (and I absolutely identify as an introvert, including the negative connotatons), it never fully explained why I never quite felt that I ‘fitted in’ .

It wasn’t until I hit my 40s, as a parent of small child who was extremely sensitive and dare I say ‘difficult’, that I discovered the work of Elaine Aron.  My son had all the characteristics she describes of Highly Sensitive Children.  The penny dropped, the light-bulb pinged on, and I recognised that I too was probably a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).  This was when everything fell into place.

Since then I have been on a magical mystery tour of self-awareness and acceptance, and I now have a much greater understanding and appreciation of what the mass of ‘spaghetti’ in my head represents.

This blog is my way of finally untangling that spaghetti….and sharing my journey.